he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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