turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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