my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
