I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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