I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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