So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
