why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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