This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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