The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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