i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
