When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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