After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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