oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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