What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
