dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
