The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
