u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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