Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
