Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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