So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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