There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
