Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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