come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
