party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
