I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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