they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
