you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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