you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
