I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
