You can't motorboat a personality
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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