Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
