I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
