We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
