I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
