Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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