the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The beer is more important than you right now.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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