my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
