Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
