Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Randomize
