last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
