Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
