Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
