Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
