I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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