Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
