Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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