the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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