your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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