he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
