I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
is it fun? or sober?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
