I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
